"(we see Stephen in the old studio) Welcome to the show, and Happy New Year, everybody. It's 2010, and we've upgraded to high definition, the cutting-edge technology of 2007. Over our break, digital wizards retooled the broadcasts, and plastic surgeons retooled my face. I just hope the butt fat I had injected into my cheeks wasn't from the butt... (suspense sound) ...of a murderer. I'm also getting a whole new set which means it's time to say a-goodbye to some old friends. (walks over to the guest desk and chairs) Lots of great memories here. So many amazing guests sat in this chair, and absorbed my rage. (Stephen then walks to the shelves) Oh! Then there's this one time I almost read these books. Oh, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots with your fighting! (briefly plays around with it) Get a room already. But I think I'll miss you most of all... box containingGwyneth Paltrow's head. (shakes the box around and puts it back on the shelf) Well, set, we had a great run, but like all good relationships, I need to be the one who ends it. So I'll just grab the essentials. (walks over to the desk and grabs his Emmy Award and Peabody Award trophies as he is about to leave the set) Come on guys, moving on. What the... How long has that been there? (as Stephen walks to the door, we reveal that it leads to the new HD studio) My god, this is The Colbert Report!"
January 4
6001
Colbert says goodbye to his studio set in anticipation of a new one, which is introduced after the titles amid jokes about the show now broadcasting in widescreenhigh-definition. In a remote segment, the host attempts another Winter Olympics sport, curling, with the official U.S. Olympics curling team. Erick Erickson, managing editor of RedState, is the guest.
654
"Ideal Or No Deal"
Riley Crane
"Happy 79th birthday, Robert Duvall. I love the smell of Metamucil in the morning. This is The Colbert Report."
January 5
6002
In response to the attempted Christmas Day 2009 bombing, the show begins a "A Colbert Report Special Report: Night of Terror – The Crapification of the American Pant-scape." The attacker's base country of Yemen is profiled on Better Know an Enemy, featuring a new touch-screen monitor that soon stole focus from the subject. Guest Dr. Riley Crane completed a Pentagon-created challenge to find ten balloons randomly located throughout the United States.
"God never closes a door without opening a window. His heating bills are outrageous. This is The Colbert Report."
January 6
6003
Stephen interviews Ezra Klein about the current state of the health care reform bill. Linda Douglass appears via satellite to discuss the same bill and defend herself from allegations made by Monday's guest, Erick Erickson. In Alpha Dog of the Week, Stephen praises Domino's Pizza for a new ad campaign which condemns their own previous recipe. Guest Charles Moore discovered the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
"No one tell me who won the college football championship tonight. Because I do not care. This is The Colbert Report."
January 7
6004
Talks about the death penalty with Barry Scheck, co-director of the Innocence Project, and then interviews James Fowler about his book Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives. When Fowler describes how obesity can spread from person to person, Stephen replies "Okay, I've gained some weight. Just come out and say that I'm fat."
Harry Reid saying Obama has "no negro dialect", moving money to smaller banks, estate tax expiring for one year, ivy league secret societies, Invictus.
"Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. He wants to spend more time berating his family. This is The Colbert Report."
January 12
6006
Roxy the Sex Robot, Dick Cheney saying Obama is "trying to pretend we are not at war", mobile phone use may reverse Alzheimer's, medicine to treat jetlag, drug to enhance libido in women, The Value of Nothing.
"One-third of the American adults are now obese. In fact, one-third of American adults are now one-half of American adults. This is The Colbert Report."
January 13
6007
Game Change, Gilbert Arenas pulling out a gun in locker room, Mark McGwire admits to using steroids, criticism of Avatar from the Vatican, Avatar causing depression, Na'vi sex scene on Avatar DVD,
"Never let them see you sweat. Especially in HD 'cause it looks like a mudslide. This is The Colbert Report."
January 21
6012
Own a Piece of Histor-Me: A Colbert Nation Liquidation, the Taliban's new code of conduct, Brad Pitt's beard's 1 year anniversary, Barack Obama's first year of presidency, Threatdown airport security edition, The Ground Truth
"Did ya hear? I'm the new quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. This is The Colbert Report."
January 25
6013
Obama's article "Why Haiti Matters", Biden's article "Why America Needs Trains", Alpha Dog of the Week: Harold Ford, Jr. challenging Kirsten Gillibrand in New York senate primary election, Enemies of the People
André Bauer's comments about people on social welfare programs, Democrats losing Massachusetts's senate seat to Scott Brown, Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger: Creigh Deeds, iPhone's ScareBear app, All Things at Once
2010 State of the Union Address, response to the address by Governor Bob McDonnell (R-VA), comparison of Obama and JFK, Sport Report: whites-only basketball league, Australian Olympic hurdler has breast implant removed to increase speed
Stephen won a Grammy Award, Obama invited to Republican Annual Retreat, Stephen's job as assistant sports psychologist, Harold Ford, Jr. challenging Kirsten Gillibrand in Senate Democratic primary election
"Happy Black History Month to all my black viewer. This is The Colbert Report."
February 2
6018
blippy.com: a social networking website where people post their credit card purchases, tribute to J. D. Salinger, lack of restructuring in financial services sector
"If it's an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, why is there no eye-fairy? This is The Colbert Report."
February 4
6020
LGBT people serving in the military, Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger: waterboarding, The Beaver magazine changing name to Canada's History, Formidable Opponent: civil trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in New York, Faces of America
"Honda is recalling almost a million vehicles for faulty airbags. It seems the only Japanese company we can trust these days are the guys who make sex robots. This is The Colbert Report."
"It's 11:30 at night, and the sun is still shining. They wonder why there's no snow here! This is The Colbert Report!"
February 22
6025
Colbert's copyright lawyer brother Ed warns Stephen against using terms such as "the Olympics" or "Vancouver" in his coverage in order to avoid lawsuit, leading Stephen to introduce his elaborately named "Vancouverage." Coverage follows of the opening ceremony, and differences between Canada and the U.S.. In Better Know a Riding, Vancouver South is profiled and Ujjal Dosanjh is interviewed. Snowboarder Shaun White is interviewed in the New York studio.
Stephen recaps the latest USA victories in the games and interviews Lindsey Vonn via satellite from the New York studio. In a field segment, Stephen visits the official Switzerland, Ireland and Russia international houses stationed in Vancouver. First Stephen visits the Switzerland house where he challenges Director Manuel Salchli to Fondue pong. But despite Manuel's win, Stephen got to chug a $30 bowl of cheese for free. Then Stephen heads to the Irish house. Despite the crowd's anticipation to celebrate Ireland's culture, Stephen reads the book "Ulysses" by James Joyce. After reporting a bar fight, he "got the hell out of there". Stephen's last stop was the Russian house where he challenges Russian Olympic bobsled team member Evgeny Plechnkin to table hockey. Stephen distracts him by saying "Look! Vladimir Putin!" and with Al Michaels "Do You Believe In Miracles" in the background, Stephen triumphs in table hockey. After those three visits, Stephen decides to end his trip... at Irish House! Stephen ends the field segment by narrating that "USA house doesn't have a bar". Bob Costas of NBC broadcasting is interviewed on the outdoor Vancouver stage, who ends the interview by climbing on to the set's stuffed moose.
"I've got Olympic Fever! Either that, or I ate some really bad poutine! This is The Colbert Report."
February 25
6028
With his set overlooking NBC's, Stephen pesters NBC host Bob Costas. In part two of "Freud Rage: The Iceman Counseleth," Stephen discusses strategy with the entire U.S. Speedskating team. He fails to connect with Shani Davis, who then appears via satellite to the New York studio. Stephen attempts to cheer up Canada, who are behind in the overall medal count, before taking them off the On Notice board. From the Vancouver stage, Stephen interviews snowboarder Seth Wescott and thanks those that made his trip to Vancouver possible.
"Senators Schumer and Franken want to improve Facebook's privacy practices. Guys, just go on MySpace: you can have all the privacy in the world. This is The Colbert Report."
Show opens with a Rube Goldberg–like device that reveals the various images revealed in the normal digital opening sequence. (This is inspired by OK Go's new album.) Colbert moves across the studio to interview the band on a treadmill that is pushed by stagehands. (This is in reference to a video made by the band in which they moved around on treadmills.) OK Go plays "This to Shall Pass."
"General Hospital has 18 daytime Emmy nominations, and all I can say to that is: I'm pregnant with my twin brother's baby. This is The Colbert Report!"
"James Cameron has been called in to help BP stop the oil spill. Soon, they'll be failing in 3D. This is The Colbert Report."
June 2
6070
Stephen talks about the Japanese national elections occurring in six weeks and shows the campaign process with the help of several Japanese game show clips.
Featured a reenactment of one of the clips using mice and a block of cheese.
"The new iPhone was announced today! It only has one major flaw: I don't have one! This is The Colbert Report."
June 7
6072
Using the word "Bing" earns a $2500 donation to charity, fighting the effects of the gulf oil spill, included a short interview with James Carville, and a mock beatdown of (mock) BPCEOTony Hayward.
The first segment features a short clip from the 1993 music video for "Whoomp! (There It Is)" which features someone who looks remarkably like Barack Obama. First usage of "The Word" segment in June.
Stephen talks about Helen Thomas and her comments regarding Israel for which she was "forced into retirement". He also discusses said conflict in Israel. Featured a bonus interview with Michael Oren, Israeli Ambassador to the United States, which was triggered from a "Formidable Opponent" segment.
A further update on the BP oil spill and the status of their stock, which by this episode has lost $82 billion, Lord Tebbit is quoted criticizing Obama's administration, and Marc Fisher debates soccer with Mark Starr. Alan Bean shows Stephen some of his moon paintings in the interview segment.
"Free Wi-Fi is coming to Starbucks! Great news for people who can't afford Wi-Fi because they pay $6 for coffee at Starbucks. This is The Colbert Report. BANG!"
"Brazil defeats North Korea in the World Cup; I guess we know who they're nuking first. This is The Colbert Report."
June 15
6077
Stephen criticizes lesbian parents for raising good children and encourages them to instead raise troubled teenagers like everyone else. Includes a bonus interview with Hanna Rosin, author of "The End of Men", an article in The Atlantic.
Included a segment on the firing of Gen Stanley McChrystal in which Colbert implied that McChrystal had covered up the circumstances of Pat Tillman's death and also leaked a classified report to try to force President Obama's hand.
The Colbert Report broadcast no new episodes from 12 to 23 Jul 2010 due to a scheduled break. This coincided with a similar two week break for The Daily Show.
"She sells seashells by the seashore...and I bet she qualifies for a claim against BP. This is The Colbert Report."
July 8
6091
Stephen discusses the Candwich (the canned sandwich), the "recent breakthrough in the field of sandwich."[2]
744
"None"
Hephzibah Anderson
"Russia has elected its first black official. Shame on you, Russia! They prefer to be called African-Americans. This is The Colbert Report."
July 26
6092
Quotes:
"Do you think that men put pressure on women to have sex without emotion?" - Colbert to guest
[Yes]
"What about the pressure that women put on men to have emotion without sex?...Maybe we don't feel like having emotions *tonight* honey...I don't have a heart *tonight.*
"Chelsea Clinton is getting married and, despite Hillary's early lead, Obama has been elected mother of the bride. This is The Colbert Report."
July 27
6093
WikiLeaks scandal, interview with Tom Blanton, director of the National Security Archives, bit on how Dick Cheney now has no pulse, contest with Kevin Kline on who was better at representing Shakespearean characters with only facial expressions and a grunt.
"Turns out a stitch in time does not save nine. I'd like to apologize to the nine people who drowned while I was crocheting. This is The Colbert Report!"
"Van Halen will release a new album with David Lee Roth. At their age, 'Hot for Teacher' is now creepy from the other side. This is The Colbert Report."
"First of all, I just want to say Happy Birthday to everybody. Let's just get that out of the way. Check. Done. That covers everybody for the next year."
John Vines was quoted as saying that the group of agencies was in total, not overseen by anyone and thus cannot be assessed for efficacy; Richard Clarke gave a short interview, in which he claimed that the number of agencies is now too large, and that they were getting in each others way and failing to protect the US.
"Ladies, Tiger Woods' divorce is final, which means he's dating less. This is The Colbert Report."
August 24
6108
Noting a recent story The Daily Show did regarding the Fox News story on "tracing the money" behind the 9/11 mosque, Stephen said, "To stop terrorism, we must stop watching Fox News."
Regarding the Colbert Report Terror Bunker 5200: "The terror bunker...where fear craps its pants."
"A man with no arms and no legs has swum the English Channel. Wow, is he gonna be pissed when he finds out about the Channel Tunnel train. This is The Colbert Report."
"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg gives 100 million dollars to the Newarkschool system. So kids, support your school by spending all day on Facebook. This is The Colbert Report."
"The Postal Service is gonna be charging more for floppy bulk mail: bad news for anyone who signed up for my jelly fish of the month club. This is The Colbert Report."
"Thanks to everyone that came to my rally and watched my live election show and an especial big thanks to those little pills I've been taking to keep me awake. This is The Colbert Report."
"Little known fact: when they made the Tower of Babel, they also made the doggie steps of Babel - that's why we can't understand dogs. This is The Colbert Report."
