Colbert announces that Alan Colmes is joining him as co-host on his new show, Colbert and Colmes. They then discuss Roland Burris's appointment to the Senate, as well as Al Franken winning his Senate race in Minnesota. Colbert then premieres Chapter 3 in the Tek Jansen series. He then interviews John King about the media and politics. Finally, Colbert gets angry with Colmes and fires him.
"Just 12 more hours until all those Bush countdown clocks explode. YOU FOOLS! This is The Colbert Report."
January 19
5009
Colbert cheers for his 500th episode. In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, he introduces the day's new mascot, Dreamy. He then discusses President Bush's legacy. Next, he interviews Frank Rich about Bush's presidency. Christine Ebersole then sings a farewell tribute to President Bush and his supporters. Finally, Colbert talks about the boiling frog story and places a frog skeleton on his shelf in honor of President Bush's last day.
"It's Groundhog Day. Gentlemen, start your groundhogs. This is The Colbert Report."
February 2
5017
Colbert talks about the Ledbetter law being passed. In "It Could Be Worse," he discusses the government of Iceland's collapse. In "Nailed 'Em," Colbert profiles a man who was arrested at Penn Station for taking pictures of Amtraktrains. Finally, he interviews Dan Zaccagnino about his website and remixing previous clips of Colbert.
"When life deals you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make the worst scrambled eggs. This is The Colbert Report."
February 23
5025
Colbert discusses Mastermedia International urging people to pray for him today and prays for himself. He then talks about rising church attendance due to the Great Recession and speaks with James Martin about it. After testing his "moral dimension," he proclaims "The DaColbert Code" went 5-for-5 in predicting the Oscars. Finally, Colbert interviews Helen Fisher about matchmaking.
Colbert briefly mentions New York's winter weather. He then talks about some people feeling cheated by Barack Obamacommemorative coins and speaks with P.K. Winsome about his own commemorative plates. He then claims Michael Steele accepted his challenge for a "rap-off," but after Steele doesn't show up, he delivers a presentation called "The Rap Battle." Colbert then interviews David Byrne about his new album and career. Finally, Byrne performs "Life Is Long."
"Hey, Dr. Manhattan, where's your glowing blue medical degree? This is The Colbert Report."
March 11
5035
Colbert first discusses President Obama's inconsistency on earmarks in Congressional legislation. Then he talks about how Obama is planning to tax the wealthy to pay for government programs, and how Republicans are continuing to cite Atlas Shrugged, the infamous book by Ayn Rand. In the segment Cheating Death, Stephen talks about the Supreme Court ruling against a drug company, sweat, and designer babies. Finally, he interviews Howard Fineman about his book "The Thirteen American Arguments."
"Hey Navy Seals, why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan? That guy made me feel like I was captive in a boat for 5 days. This is The Colbert Report."
"I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but it takes 12,809 licks to get to the center of an iPhone. This is The Colbert Report."
Stephen first talks to former presidential candidate Howard Dean about health care reform, and wraps up the evening by chatting with Dave Kilcullen about his new book, The Accidental Guerilla.
"You snooze, you lose... unless it's a sleeping contest. This is the Colbert Report."
June 24
5086
Stephen joins Matthew Crawford on his journey from Ph.D to motorcycle repairman as they look through the author's debut tome, "Shop Class as Soulcraft."
"If anyone at Comic-Con found a pair of dark brown Princess Leia pin-on buns with the initials S.C., they're not mine - but you can send them here. This is The Colbert Report."
July 27
5100
Sarah Palin steps down as Governor. "Stephen Colbert's Current Events" - Tasers. "Nailed 'Em" - Nazareth Library bans young Dominic Philip for living in the wrong district
"If at first you don't succeed, redefine what you did as success. This is The Colbert Report."
August 3
5104
Dominic Philip gets back his library card and a box of books as punishment. "Stephen Colbert's Bears & Balls" - the cost of health care reform. "Nailed 'Em" - Virginia student suspended for taking the pill on campus.
Merry Barackmas - Obama's 48th birthday. The 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Festival. David Wondrich discusses the history of cocktails and introduces the Colbert Bump cocktail.
Bill Clinton visits Korea to secure the release of two American journalists. Candidates for the 2010 midterms and interview with Pennsylvania congressman Joe Sestak. Shark Week returns to the Discovery Channel and shark coverage in the media.
"Well after 20 years, Brooks & Dunn broke up. (shakes fist)Yoko! This is The Colbert Report."
August 11
5109
Risks of texting while driving. Discussion of the upcoming elections in Afghanistan and interview with James Carville. Alpha Dog of the Week - Betty Lichtenstein of Connecticut awards herself a fake Nurse of the Year award from a non-existent organization at a phony awards ceremony.
601
"None"
Mark Johnson
"Hey, Perseid meteor shower - thank you for proving that the sky is falling. This is The Colbert Report."
"Dick Cheney's coming out with his memoirs - and good news, just reading it violates the Geneva Convention. This is The Colbert Report."
August 13
5111
Texas congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee takes a phone call during a cancer survivor's question at a town hall meeting. Glenn Beck loses sponsors over his comments on the President. Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. - Spinal Health - spinal injuries in rats mended by blue M&M's, Vitamins - U.S. children lacking vitamin D due to TV and computers, Women's Health - Wyeth Pharmaceuticals found to have hired ghost writers to author papers downplaying the risks of taking hormones for menopausal women. Mark Devlin discusses launching the BLAST telescope using weather balloons.
Barney Frank's response in a town hall meeting about health care reform, sugar shortage in the US, Colbert Platinum: AIG's CEO planned vacation, Taking Woodstock
"After the show I'm on vacation, so nobody do anything newsworthy for three weeks! This is The Colbert Report."
August 20
5115
French town bans circus elephants from beach, anti-Obama items sold on eBay, world population projected to reach 7 billion in 2011, Chris Matthews running for Senate, The Kennedy Brothers documentary
Stephen stares at a goat by means of resurrecting a 1970s psychic military program, and interviews via satellite Jon Ronson, author of The Men Who Stare at Goats. In "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report" he tries to predict the football season's gossip with his "NFL wheel of scandal". Guest of the night Frank Bruni talks about his new book and how he got to become a food critic. The Wørd and the following montage is a good-bye devoted to executive producer of the show Allison Silverman.
"Hey, has anybody seen my bathwater? I may have accidentally thrown something out with it. This is The Colbert Report."
October 12
5131
Discussion of Obama's Nobel Peace prize, "Why do other countries like Obama?" with Shashi Tharoor, Fallback Position with James Blake, discussion of Cheating Death with Dr. Sanjay Gupta
"What's that? It's an hour earlier because daylight savings time is over and we haven't actually done the show yet? Oh. Then this is The Colbert Report."
Stephen criticizes Going Rogue, calling it "a steaming pile of shit" in The Word. In Threat Down, he names himself as a Threat, saying that he angered Quetzacoatl by calling him a pussy in 2005, and he refuses to apologize. He interviews Norah Jones, and she sings.
