The following is a list of episodes for the American television sitcomMy Wife and Kids. The series ran on ABC for five seasons from March 28, 2001, to May 17, 2005, with a total of 123 episodes produced.
Michael and Jay are a loving and married couple who have three children: Junior, who wants to go to a concert to see MC Murder Death; Claire, who wants some privacy in her life; and little Kady, the cutest child in the house.
Michael doesn't take it well when he loses to his teenage son at basketball. Meanwhile, Claire thinks the best way to attract boys is to have bigger breasts, so she buys a padded bra, much to the dislike of Jay who punishes her for doing so.
Jay is trying to get rid of some old clothes, so after Michael opposes to that she and him make a deal that everything that is not worn by the end of the week has to go. Meanwhile, Junior is trying to learn how to play the guitar and his friend convinces him to smoke pot. Kady gets angry at Claire for avoiding her.
Junior fakes an A in algebra while his family, not fooled by the charade, fakes a celebration. Meanwhile, Claire blackmails Junior because she had caught him red-handed forging his report card.
Michael hires an attractive girl to tutor Junior in math and later regrets his actions. Also, Jay doesn't like the direction her relationship is going with Claire, who is turning into a typical teenager.
Jr. is having problems at school with a bully, so Michael and Jay invite his parents over to discover some of the kid's weak points. Jr. teases the kid back and Claire punches him in the nose making Jr. feel humiliated. Meanwhile, Michael tells Jay she is not around enough, and she starts to realize that when she misses Kady's first tooth and her new "smell the cushions" thing.
Michael's promiscuous brother Ken (Keenen Ivory Wayans) comes to visit with his attractive new girlfriend, Tiara (Daphnee Duplaix), who contrasts with the way Michael has just realized Jay appears.
Michael's accountant dies suddenly, making him take a whole new perspective about his life. He buys a wig (or a hairpiece as he likes to call it) and starts to demonstrate his love for his family in a weird way. He even buys a motorcycle and an RV, in a misguided effort to live life to its fullest.
Jay visits her mom while Michael starts telling Kady the "story" of her birth. Meanwhile Claire's friend Charmaine is pregnant. Guest starring Raven-Symoné and Shaquille O'Neal.
Note: From this episode onwards, Jennifer Freeman takes over the role of Claire Kyle, who was previously portrayed by Jazz Raycole in the first season. In the episode, Michael makes a reference in her first appearance by saying that she "looks like a different person".
Claire, Jr., and Kady are upset that Michael's rules are way too strict since Jay left. So, they make a bet with him that they can go one week without rules. If they win: no more rules. Give up: they must hug Michael and say "I was stupid. You are the best dad in the whole world." Kady gives up quickly after Michael decides to go to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. Claire gives up after a few days when she had to go to school on Jr.'s bike, waking up late, being a social outcast, and Michael deciding he and Kady are going to see the Backstreet Boys with a third ticket and when they want to give it to Kady's doll, she decides to go. Jr. gives up on the very last day after realizing that he needs rules in his life after sleeping outside of the house all night after being locked out.
The kids complain that Michael is being too strict since Jay left, so they call for a family meeting where they all discuss the way they think the family should be, with no repercussions. Jr. thinks having a rapper for a dad would be cool, Claire thinks the perfect dad should be the manager of the country's #1 boy band, and Kady thinks Michael should be a big blue dragon (much like TV's Barney). Michael shows them how these versions could go wrong, and shares his thoughts of perfect children, but then his children explain how that idea could go wrong, so they agree on a truce.
When Jay returns, Michael remains silent about her obvious weight gain. The episode builds to a dream sequence, in which Janet has a nightmare and the entire family is morbidly obese after Michael decides to grow big with her.
Kady gets a hamster (which Michael accidentally kills), and Claire develops a crush on a boy named Tony. Michael and Jay attempt to deal with the changes. This is Tony's first appearance.
Michael decides to teach the kids how to handle money due to their inability of spending their allowance money wisely. He proposes that each kid comes up with their own business, and at the end of the week he'll double whatever profit they make.
The family goes out to eat at a Japanese restaurant only to find out that they must share a table with an annoying family, the Tylers. Things get out of control between the two families, and even the restaurant employees. The two families have been enemies ever since.
Jay has a hard time with Michael's parents, who are separated.
Note: This episode was originally intended to air in season one, but for unknown reasons, ABC moved it to season two, which is why Jazz Raycole portrays Claire, making this episode her final appearance in the series; however, the episode is listed as the final episode of the show's first season on Disney+.
Junior thinks he got a 1600/1600 on his SAT's but gets it confused with a girl named Michelle Kyle. Jr. got a 200/1600, even though you get 300 for spelling your name right.
Michael suffers a back spasm playing Twister but fakes a more serious injury to garner sympathy from his family and makes their lives hell as they look after him.
Jay gets mad at Michael because she thinks he forgot about their anniversary. Michael pulls off a lavish ceremony for the renewal of their vows. Guest stars Brian McKnight.
The Kyles go to Hawaii. Junior gets to know Leilani and Michael and Jay spend more time together. Meanwhile, Claire and Kady run up a huge hotel bill by charging things to the room. The Kyles have to scramble to leave Hawaii when they discover their flight leaves much earlier than they thought.
Jay "accidentally" reads Claire's diary. Meanwhile, Michael temporarily goes blind during an optometrist's exam and Junior betrays him as his chauffeur to go to a girl named Alicia's house.
Junior asks two girls out to a dance. Valerie really likes Junior, and Amber (played by Claudette Ortiz) doesn't. He dumps Valerie for Amber, a hot chick that wants to date Junior to make her old boyfriend jealous. Jay becomes jealous when she dreams that Michael is in love with Janet Jackson.
Michael tries a family "Art week" for all. Junior does an awkward poetic drumming stance, while Claire designs jeans for her dad. Franklin and Kady do a piano short, while Jay's grand finale portrays a naked Michael Kyle.
Michael struggles to deal with the fact his friend Tommy (Mos Def) is paralysed after falling from his roof while painting and confined to a wheelchair. Claire is caught shoplifting, when it's really Kady's fault.
Michael is chosen to lead a little girl's Indian tribe. He trains them to fetch him things and names a girl "Fetchmebeer". Tony tries to sneak in to party with Claire, but the kids attack him at midnight.
A blackout all over Connecticut, which includes the Kyle household. The family plays games and eat most of the contents of the fridge. Kady pretends to cute, while Junior takes to being a nudist.
Michael mistakenly thinks he wins the "Small Businessman of the Year" award. When he loses, his family rescues him and makes him "Father of the Year". Meanwhile, Claire takes makeup from Jay, even though Jay has repeatedly told her not to because she is allergic to many makeup products and has sensitive skin, and wounds up having an allergic reaction to the eyeliner that she took from her mother, which causes her eyes to swell and puff up.
Jay and Michael return from a night out to find Junior and his new girlfriend Vanessa in a compromising position. Michael throws him out of the house, and he ends up living in a tent in the back garden until everything has calmed down.
Junior and Claire find a wallet and come to brawl because Junior claims it. Consequently Michael holds court with Franklin and Kady defending Junior while Claire gets support from Jay and judges them to share.
Claire knows nothing about driving, and she steals the car to drive the Sip N' Go. Michael goes through an elaborate scheme to pretend the car is stolen.
Jay thinks Michael is "cheating" on her with a picture of his ex-girlfriend. Franklin has trouble admitting that his little sister Aretha is an outstanding singer and is superior compared to Kady.
Michael and Jay are shocked when Claire and Tony declare that they are going to have sex for the first time, and set about doing everything possible to stop them.
Micheal and Jay chaperone Claire's first prom, however, Jay uses the occasion to make up for her prom she missed 18 years before. While helping Junior in fixhis first car, Micheal decides to teach him a lesson.
While Junior's graduation is a joyous occasion, Jay and Michael are worried about his future as they want him to go college and keep some distance from Vanessa. However, Junior receives life-changing news that threatens to put those plans on hold.
Michael is shocked to learn Junior is going to be a father, and reluctantly gives him a job - only to sack him on his first day for turning up late and performing unsatisfactory work.
Michael's friend Jimmy (David Alan Grier) has a hair-growth pill that makes him paranoid. Once Michael starts to take the pills, he displays the same symptoms.
Junior goes over to tell Calvin and Jasmine Scott (Vanessa's parents) that their daughter is pregnant. But it ends up as a family feud when Michael finds out how intimidating the parents are.
Michael tries to teach Junior a lesson in parenting when he gives him a balloon to take care of. Meanwhile, Jay teaches Kady about the birds and the bees. Kady misinterprets the meaning and puts pumpkin seeds in her belly button.
Much to Claire's delight, Michael and Jay forget to recite their house rules — "No friends, no fires, no freedom, no fun" - before going out for the night. As a result, Claire decides to throw a party so she can get in with the so-called right crowd. Things get raucous when someone spikes the punch and a drunken Tony fulfills a fantasy and streaks down the street naked.
Michael meets Johnny "Saxophone" Jackson, his old classmate. Michael lies about playing piano, and Johnny asks to have Michael sit in with the band. But he just fakes playing the piano by hiding Franklin under his shirt.
Vanessa and Junior get a dog to help prepare for the coming baby. Kady is allergic to the dog, so Jay makes Junior give Kady her allergy medications. Kady mistakenly medicates the dog. Michael plans to teach him a lesson by having Kady pretend she's a dog. Meanwhile, Tony comes back from his forty-day purification. Michael finds condoms in Claire's backpack and thinks that Tony and Claire are planning to have sex.
Michael gets tickets to go see LeBron James, but when the family come down with the flu he comes up with crazy ideas to keep from spreading the disease. James catches the flu anyway.
Note: Three days before the episode aired, James' team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, played the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden. Although this wasn't James' first game against the Knicks (like Michael explained) it was his first game at Madison Square Garden.
Mrs. Hopkins, the maid (Betty White) joins the Kyle household, and she is nearly a saint. An all-around person who loves basketball, cooks, and even sews new outfits. The family finds it to be a bit too much.
The family hold a games night that ends up turning into a disaster because the men don't know anything about their wives. But it turns out the women don't know anything about their husbands, either.
Vanessa practices home labor and is helped by a midwife named Summer Breeze. Michael writes a script for the time before Vanessa gives birth. But when it's time for the baby to be born, Claire has taken the car to the mall, and no one follows the script. Vanessa ends up having the baby in the parents' bed, the same place it was conceived.
Michael fails a child-care course for grandparents, so Vanessa and Jr. refuse to let him baby-sit his grandchild for the rest of the week, but they forgive him when he manages to quiet the baby's nonstop crying.
When Jay wishes that Michael would give her the kind of romantic attention that she sees newlywed Vanessa getting from Jr., Michael decides to kill Jay with kindness so he can get back to watching TV and ignoring her. Meanwhile, Franklin tells Kady that he thinks he's too short and goes to great lengths to appear otherwise.
Vanessa buys a foosball table for Junior, but Michael hogs it and begins behaving insufferably after beating every other member of the family in the game.
Jay thinks that her professor in psychology (played by James Avery) has it in for her. Michael tries to help her study by using flash cards. In the end he resorts to bribing the professor to postpone the exam.
The Kyles take a family trip to the Bahamas. Michael runs into his old co-worker (David Alan Grier); Junior starts hanging out with a guy named Dave; Kady finds herself in the middle of a "puppy love" triangle with Franklin and his look-alike, Francesco Mumfordi; Claire gets drunk. Michael and Jay get stranded on an island and are saved by Michael's old co-worker; Junior learns that Dave is gay; Franklin confronts Francesco at his conference for his work, which Franklin maintains was plagiarized.
When Jay tells Michael that their love life will be even better if they are celibate for six months, Michael is willing to abide by her wishes, although reluctantly. Meanwhile, Franklin and Kady plant some seeds in the ground to symbolize their growing love for each other, but the seeds grow into an ingredient for a love potion that Jay uses to spice up her romantic dinner for Michael.
Jay asks Michael to get a vasectomy, but he says no. Eventually he tells Jay that he will go through with it, but then backs out at the last second. Jay says that she will instead get a hysterectomy. After she comes out of the clinic, Michael tells her that he will get the vasectomy, but she then reveals that she is pregnant, which ends the series on an unresolved cliffhanger.
