Family estrangement

Family estrangement is the cessation or reduction of a previously existing relationship between family members, often to the extent that there is little to no communication for a prolonged period. Often, at least one of the parties wants estrangement to end.^[1]

Overview

Family estrangements are broken relationships between parents, grandparents, siblings, children, cousins, etc. Characteristics of estrangement may include a lack of empathy in one or more of the parties involved. This can result in heightened levels of stress in all parties, although in the case of an abusive relationship the victim may feel a sense of relief once the source of stress has been removed.

A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party,^{[1]: 22–23} such as a member of the extended family or the adult child's spouse. For example, a child who dislikes a stepparent might refuse to have a relationship with the parent who married the stepparent; in such a case, the stepparent is the third party involved in the estrangement between the child and the parent. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternative social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party—whether deliberately or not—is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged.

In situations where the estrangement is unilateral, the rejected individual may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship.

In some cases, the initiator of the estrangement stipulates boundaries in order to maintain limited contact (and therefore limit emotional damage) with the person they see as a potential abuser. In other cases, the initiator is unable or unwilling to consider any type of reconciliation.

Health implications

Although the rejected party's psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator's may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict.^[2][3] The social rejection in family estrangement is the equivalent of ostracism which undermines four fundamental human needs: the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of self-esteem, and the need to have a sense of meaningful existence.^[4] The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression.^[5]

Family estrangement activates the grief response because people who have experienced it often see it as a loss they were not prepared for and happened unexpectedly.^[6] However, the rejected family member may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party.^[7][8]

Social workers who work with the elderly population are at the forefront of a new fallout from family estrangement. Non-supportive or absent family members during someone's end-of-life acutely increase the pain and stress of the final days.^[9]

Demographics

A study of adults estranged from their parents in the United States published in 2023 found that adults were more likely to be estranged from their father than from their mother, that LGBT individuals were significantly more likely than straight adults to estrange from their father while sexual orientation made no difference in the likelihood of estrangement from an individual's mother. Black adults were one-quarter less likely to estrange from their mothers than white adults but three times likelier to estrange from their fathers. On average, people who estranged from parents did so in their mid-twenties. Many estrangements eventually reconciled.^[10]

An October 2022 YouGov poll in the United States found that 29% of Americans were estranged from a parent (11%), child (9%), sibling (14%), or grandparent (5%).^[11] Considerably higher numbers of gay men (49%), lesbian women (55%), and bisexual people (38%) were estranged from a family member compared to heterosexual people (27%).^[11]

Culture

Cultural attitudes influence the frequency of estrangement, with the United States experiencing about twice as many parent-child estrangements compared to Israel, Germany, England and Spain.^[12]

The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement, as well as a rationale for estrangement.^[13][14] In individualistic cultures, the estranger may attribute the causes of estrangement to emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Other estrangers may see a lack of emotional support or clash of values as the justification, or may blame the other person for their own unhappiness.^[14]

Estrangement is an isolating experience in ways that extend past the severed familial bond. Social science studies have found that neither estranged parents nor their adult offspring often discuss their estrangement socially, due to social stigma and frequent backlash.^[15]

For some victims of psychological or emotional abuse, the damage has been done over a long period of time by a characteristic pattern of subtle and deniable abuse. For these people, validation may never appear in any meaningful form unless it is professional help. The estranged may also become less socially accepted because of lowered self-regulation, a reaction to the social rejection.^[16]

Contributing causes

Estrangement may result from the involvement or interference of a third party.^[1][9][17]

Value or identity conflict

A family member's sexual orientation, choice of spouse, gender identity, politics, disability, religion or lack thereof may cause the estranged party to feel judged, unloved, or unaccepted causing them to initiate the estrangement or may cause the parents to disown their child.^[17] Life choices regarding education, profession, and geography are other potentially emotionally charged topics that reflect social values.

Divorce

Divorce was cited as a reason for estrangement by 12.3% of parents and 2.3% of children in one study.^[17] Divorced families are significantly over-represented among people experiencing a parent–child estrangement.^[14]

Child abuse

Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse.^[17] Abuse by siblings is a factor in some estrangements between siblings.^[14]

Substance abuse

Substance and alcohol abuse, on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation. The most highly predictive domain of social estrangement for both alcohol and drug dependency is homelessness.^[18]

Mental illness

Mental illness on the part of either the estranger or the estranged is also a common cause of family tension and estrangement.

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is correlated with family estrangement. Both the PTSD sufferer's symptoms and the family members' failure to be sufficiently supportive can contribute to the estrangement. Studies on soldiers with PTSD have concluded that families with a PTSD patient require more support to facilitate healing and prevent estrangement.^[19]

Betrayal of trust

From disputes over inheritances to perceived insults in public settings, a sense of betrayal can weaken the trust bonds of a family. According to developmental psychologist

Explanations

Competing hypotheses attempt to understand and explain estrangement.

Bowen theory

The separation of young adults from their families of origin in order to create families of their own is part of normal human development. According to Murray Bowen, this separation can be achieved in a healthy and gradual manner that preserves the intergenerational relationships of the family of origin, providing both the new family and family of origin with a sense of continuity and support. Alternatively, a schism can differentiate these life stages. Familial estrangement falls into the second category.

In Bowen's theory, emotional cutoff and avoidance are unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety and stress. These coping mechanisms represent emotional and intellectual systems that are fused rather than differentiated, so that emotions overwhelm objective thought process and govern behavior.^[20] Poor differentiation is associated with continued relationship problems in life. Poor differentiation is also contagious in that it may induce stress in others. High differentiation is associated with emotional interdependence and multi-generational cooperation. Triangulation is when a third party enters the dynamic. A third party, however, may increase tension and trigger a rebellion.

In the Bowen theory, both the estranger and the estranged may use social and work relationships to create substitute families.^[21] Support groups and other highly emotional organizations also provide a conduit for emotional energy from unresolved issues with parents, siblings and other family members.^[22]

Personal growth

Only since the late 20th century, family estrangement has been framed, usually by the estrangers rather than the involuntarily estranged family members, as a sign of their own personal growth.^[14] This marks a recent shift from families as a source of moral obligations and material support to people seeing their families as tools to increase their individual happiness and to affirm their identities.^[14] People in this mindset may say that their choice is courageous rather than avoidant or selfish.^[14]

Costs and benefits

In the case of a parent–child estrangement, in which the adult child is typically the estranger, the adult child may receive benefits such as a sense of gaining power within the relationship, of freedom, or of control.^[14] The rejected parents do not experience any benefits but do experience social stigma and feelings of loss.^[14][23]

Reconciliation

Reconciliation and resolution of the conflict are possible in some situations.^[24] A decision to "live life forward", and to not seek the emotional validation of getting the other parties to agree about what happened in the past, helps some people build a functional, if sometimes more limited, relationship.^[24][25] This may involve setting boundaries collaboratively, for example, so that all parties agree that a particularly difficult subject will not be discussed.^[25] For example, parents and their adult children may set boundaries together about how often they want to communicate or what information should be considered private.^[14]

Triggers for reconciliation include changes in the family situation due to death or divorce, worries about health and death, and developing a clearer perspective about the original situation through the passage of time.^[25]

See also

• Absenteeism
• Attachment theory
• Disownment
• Emotional detachment
• Karpman drama triangle
• Psychological punishment
• Shunning
• Sibling estrangement
• Sibling rivalry
• Social rejection
• Defence mechanisms

References

1. Agllias, Kylie (2017). Family estrangement : a matter of perspective. London: Routledge. ISBN 9781472458612. OCLC 937999129.
2. Agllias, K. (2011a). Every family: Intergenerational estrangement between older parents and their adult-children. (Doctoral dissertation, School of Humanities and Social Sciences, University of Newcastle, Callaghan).
3. McKnight, A. S. (2003). The impact of cutoff in families raising adolescents. In P. Titelman (Ed.), Emotional cutoff: Bowen family systems theory perspectives (pp. 273–284). New York, NY: Haworth Clinical Practice Press.
4. Williams, Kipling D. (2002). Ostracism: the power of silence. New York: Guilford. ISBN 1-57230-831-1
5. McDougall, P., Hymel, S., Vaillancourt, T., & Mercer, L. (2001). The consequences of childhood rejection. In M. R. Leary (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection. (pp. 213-247). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
6. Agllias, Kylie (2013-08-01). "The Gendered Experience of Family Estrangement in Later Life". Affilia. 28 (3): 309–321. doi:10.1177/0886109913495727. ISSN 0886-1099. S2CID 147353870.
7. Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. New York NY: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
8. Walter, C.A. & McCoyd, J.L.M. (2009). Grief and loss across the lifespan: A biopsyosocial perspective. New York, NY: Springer.
9. Agllias, Kylie (2013). "Family Estrangement". Encyclopedia of Social Work. doi:10.1093/acrefore/9780199975839.013.919. ISBN 978-0-19-997583-9.
10. Reczek, Rin (April 2023). "Parent-Adult Child Estrangement in the United States by Gender, Race/ethnicity, and Sexuality". Journal of Marriage and the Family. 85 (2): 494–517. doi:10.1111/jomf.12898. PMC 10254574. PMID 37304343.
11. "All on the family: ties, proximity, and estrangement". December 20, 2022.
12. Silverstein, Merril; Gans, Daphna; Lowenstein, Ariela; Giarrusso, Roseann; Bengtson, Vern L. (2010). "Older Parent–Child Relationships in Six Developed Nations: Comparisons at the Intersection of Affection and Conflict". Journal of Marriage and Family. 72 (4): 1006–1021. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00745.x. PMC 4507812. PMID 26203197.
13. "How Parents Can Start to Reconcile with Estranged Kids".
14. Coleman, Joshua (2021-01-10). "A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement". The Atlantic. Retrieved 2021-01-14.
15. Blake, Lucy (March 2023). "An interview study exploring clients' experiences of receiving therapeutic support for family estrangement in the UK". Counselling and Psychotherapy Research. 23 (1): 105–114. doi:10.1002/capr.12603. Retrieved 17 December 2024.
16. Smart Richman, Laura; Leary, Mark R. (2009). "Reactions to discrimination, stigmatization, ostracism, and other forms of interpersonal rejection: A multimotive model". Psychological Review. 116 (2): 365–383. doi:10.1037/a0015250. PMC 2763620. PMID 19348546.
17. Carr, Kristen; Holman, Amanda; Abetz, Jenna; Kellas, Jody Koenig; Vagnoni, Elizabeth (2015). "Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample". Journal of Family Communication. 15 (2): 130–140. doi:10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106.
18. Thompson, Sanna J.; Rew, Lynn; Barczyk, Amanda; McCoy, Pepper; Mi-Sedhi, Ada (2009). "Social Estrangement: Factors Associated with Alcohol or Drug Dependency among Homeless, Street-Involved Young Adults". Journal of Drug Issues. 39 (4): 905–929. doi:10.1177/002204260903900407.
19. Ray, Susan L.; Vanstone, Meredith (2009). "The impact of PTSD on veterans' family relationships: An interpretative phenomenological inquiry". International Journal of Nursing Studies. 46 (6): 838–847. doi:10.1016/j.ijnurstu.2009.01.002. hdl:10315/7849. PMID 19201406.
20. Skowron, Elizabeth A.; Dendy, Anna K. (2004). "Differentiation of Self and Attachment in Adulthood: Relational Correlates of Effortful Control". Contemporary Family Therapy. 26 (3): 3. doi:10.1023/B:COFT.0000037919.63750.9d. S2CID 143254204.
21. The Bowen Center http://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/emotional-cutoff/ Archived 2017-02-28 at the Wayback Machine
22. McKnight, A. S. (2003). The impact of cutoff in families raising adolescents. In P. Titelman (Ed.), Emotional cutoff: Bowen family systems theory perspectives. New York, NY: Haworth Clinical Practice Press.
23. Agllias, Kylie (August 2013). "The Gendered Experience of Family Estrangement in Later Life". Affilia. 28 (3): 309–321. doi:10.1177/0886109913495727. ISSN 0886-1099. S2CID 147353870.
24. Brody, Jane E. (2020-12-07). "When a Family Is Fractured". The New York Times. ISSN 0362-4331. Retrieved 2020-12-08.
25. Span, Paula (2020-09-10). "The Causes of Estrangement, and How Families Heal". The New York Times. ISSN 0362-4331. Retrieved 2020-12-08.

Further reading

• Pillemer, Karl A. (8 September 2020). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. New York: Avery. ISBN 978-0-525-53903-2. OCLC 1145305518.

External links

• Stand Alone Charity
• Together Estranged nonprofit organization
• blog post by a therapist who works with estrangment