User:Angerybordsvolcano

The Ondristan Ondristan (Ondristani)
1950–1955
Flag Coat of arms
Motto: "Let's All Vomit After The Fish Dish!"
Anthem: "Můj Ondristan" ("My Ondristan")
Capital	Vuntut (Today: Fairbanks)
Official languages	Ondristani
Ethnic groups	65% Ondristanis 30% Eskimo 5% Floating Moravians
Demonym(s)	Ondristani
Government
• Presidente	Peterko Starwharski
• Prime Minister	Sedrik Starwharski
History
• Established	1950
• Disestablished	1955
GDP (PPP)	estimate
• Total	6 bucks
HDI (1950)	0.001 low
Currency	Ondristani shilling
Driving side	right
Calling code	ONDRO
Internet TLD	.os

Ondristan, officially The Ondristan, was a de facto self-proclaimed country and absolute dictatorship in North America. The evidence of its existence was erased in a massive cover up by several world governments. Originating as a rebellion of the Ondristanis, descendants of the Czechoslovak forces who made their way through Russia and ended up in Alaska during the Russian Civil War, it existed for a good five years before orchestrating a naval attack on Hawaii and invading the Continental United States and being wiped off the map. Afterwards, Ondristanis were all kicked out of America and sent back to the Czech Republic.

It comprised, at its height, most of the Yukon River delta. Ruling favorably over the Inuit, Eskimo polls showed they were 60 times happier under the Ondristani government than the United States.

The country was led by despot Peterko Starwharski and his fraternal twin brother Sedrik who seeked not only to become famous dictators since the humble age of four but to control the entire pacific pineapple trade. They banned all movies except their personal favorites and banned alcohol because it killed their only sister, Yaroslava Starwharska (rest her soul) at the ripe young age of ten after the cousins forced her to down 5 bottles of vodka at a family gathering.

The Starwharskis built hundreds of tin shacks to deal with their country's horrific baby boom after Eskimos and Ondristanis alike experienced an extreme increase in fertility due to the complete lack of alcohol. Most of the tin shacks, however, were paved over by America once Ondristan collapsed.

The Ondristanis were notable warmongers - without alcohol, they strived to have something to do, and what they did was cause destruction. Having only ever eaten fish and bear, as they DO live in Alaska, Ondristanis needed a new food source. After a lone pineapple somehow floated to the frozen wastes of Ondristan, and a man ate it after smelling it, the Ondristanis rampaged to find another pineapple. Invading most of Canada in the process, and invading Hawaii by boat, they became famed war criminals in the land. This would become known as the Ondristani Wars.

Ondristan's history is a murky subject. After the government's collapse, much of its legacy was completely erased by the feds. What does remain is taken from eyewitness accounts of Eskimos, lost sheets of paper occasionally found by hunters, and fishy websites with Ondristan's domain code .os - but even then, it's hard to trust.

What we do know is that the Ondristanis were descended from a lone pack of VERY promiscuous Czechoslovaks who made their way to Alaska by boat and had hundreds of children - that lineage eventually giving rise to the Ondristanis, the White Czech Eskimos of the North. The Ondristanis lived in the isolated frozen lands and weren't documented citizens - the government chased them from their tipis which they had learned how to build with the help of tribal leaders who took them in. U.S officials would take pleasure in bullying innocent Ondristanis. Little did they know what was coming.

The average Ondristani was 10 times more fertile than the average American, and genetically supercharged as they had the thick, protein-rich Eskimo genes and the white lactose-tolerant genes of the Czechs, allowing them to be strong AND eat cheese. The amount of Ondristani children born was astonishing, and they were raised to hate Americans after seeing what they did to their families and the lands they took from the Eskimos who nurtured them.

A charismatic Ondristani, a man named Peterko Starwharski, rallied up the Ondristanis in March of 1949, stating 'We won't let those beerguzzlers beat us without a fight.' His brother Sedrik manned his propaganda operations, putting posters around Ondristani and Eskimo villages, ordering the locals to rise up against American land seizures.

After the Ondristan Revolution, Ondristanis held a fair amount of local autonomy over the Yukon River delta. Villages governed themselves, but soon, anarchy became the norm. Crime was rampant and jobless Ondristanis went about murdering each other. Without hesitation, Sedrik took this as an opportunity to get his brother into a power-sharing agreement - he made himself Prime Minister and instituted the Ondristani dictatorship.

The next few years were peaceful. Sedrik established himself as the main ruler, with Peterko as a figurehead. He put his big round face everywhere, and put a Turkmenbashi-posed portrait on his own personal tin hut. Marrying himself with Haitian billionaire Andre Apaid's daughter, and having 14 kids due to his Ondristani fertility, Sedrik was living life. However, Apaid's daughter fled the country because it was too cold for her and she wanted to go back to her pool house.

For once, someone didn't want Sedrik.

This drove him insane. He, without a lover, became very angry - all that raw testosterone had to go somewhere. Then, when the first pineapple arrived, he got his chance to TRULY assert dominace.

Building on shared hateful sentiment against Americans, and a desire to attain pineapples, Sedrik rallied all the Ondristanis to make the worst move yet - invade all of Canada. Somehow, they made it to Nunavut without any kind of intervention, as all the local Eskimos genuinely wanted them as rulers as they were better than the British, and the white people decided it was too cold there and just packed up and left, deciding it wasn't worth it.

Dwight D. Eisenhower was concerned. The fact the Ondristanis took over Northern Canada with such little intervention scared him and made him fear an Indian uprising. Sure enough, the Starwharskis were caught funding the President of the Navajo Nation to start an insurrection. Days later, they sent boats to Hawaii to steal pineapples. This was the beginning of the end.

Ondristan got too cocky, and Dwight released the nukes. The wildfires caused the treeless area that is the North Slope today, and knocked over all of the Starwharski tin huts. Ondristanis were at a complete loss. The feds broke into Sedrik's tin mansion, holding him at gunpoint. With no other options, he picked up a fish and flung it straight at one of the officers. The rest took him down, but before they could arrest him for starting an insurrection - he did what any honorable man would do - he fought to the death. Throwing hundreds of pathetic but somewhat 'A-for-effort' punches, the officers eventually gave up and shot him.

Somewhat sorry for the damage she had caused, Andre Apaid's daughter donated one motorboat to Peterko for his brother's death. Unfortunately, he was never able to use it because Alaska's waters were constantly frozen over. Peterko turned to drinking and died like his sister.

The end.