Hello, and welcome to my webpage!

--REDZ 21:53, 14 December 2010 (UTC)

I am a 5 foot 11 inch human, with a smart quick mind that is good in Geometry, Algebra 1 and Algebra 2. Other math skills continue to increase rapidly.

I am interested in computers that may and may not be old. When I mean old I mean Windows 1995 computers, though I would like to find more old ones...any way

Two men jumped from an airplane. The first pulls the cord--and the chute works perfectly. The second pulls the cord--and nothing happens. He keeps falling straight down. As he passes his friend, the guy gets mad, unbuckles the harness, and shouts, "So, you wanna race, eh?"

DELTA=Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive.

Sleep is the best way to listen to an opera.

Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle, they burned Rome.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars--green and wrinkled.

There's one thing about children--they never go around showing snapshots of their grandparents.

Athlete: a dignified bunch of muscles, unable to do dishes or mow the lawn.

I'll never forget the excitement when Grandpa shaved off his beard--and we found out it was Grandma.

Q: why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the shell station.

The lady at Burger King said that I could have it my way. So I left and went to Wendy's.

I can't cook. So, I use the smoke alarm as a timer.

Never eat in a restaurant where you see a cockroach bench-pressing a burrito.

We offer sound advice. That’s 99 percent sound, and 1 percent advise.

I went to a bookstore and asked the woman behind the desk where the self help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose."

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose.

I know a guy who plans to make a fortune with a new vending machine. It's a big box that says, "How gullible are you? Insert $500."

I love the way everybody is getting fancy job titles. Gas station attendants are now called "petroleum consultants." They saunter over. "I'd recommend the 89 octane unleaded. It's a unpretentious little fuel with a surprising kick. Would you care to sniff the nozzle?"

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, He won't come any way.

Q: If a plane crashed on a states line, which side would they bury the survivors on? A: You don't bury survivors!

I’ve been perfecting the scientific process of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide since the day I was born.

I regularly test the validity of the theory of gravity by unexpectedly hurling my body at the ground, on purpose. I have come to the conclusion that gravity exists.

At a very young age I found that by vibrating my vocal chords in just the right way, I can produce sound which then can be understood by other humans. In this way, I am an expert in the field of communication.

"Where did I come from?” young Freddy said His father choked, whilst his Mother went red But being prepared for this moment already His Mother quietly took the hand of young Freddy

And led him away to the quiet of the den Where she picked up a book made to enlighten young men Starting off with the birds and then with the bees She proceeded to lecture with quiet expertise

Progressing to humans to ova and sperm But noticing that Freddy was not keen to learn He kept glancing around and looking about His Mother was worried that she'd left something out

How vast was his knowledge on the subject already? "Any questions then?" she asked of Young Freddy "But where did I come from" that's what I mean You came from Scotland, and Dad, Aberdeen

Young Mary had a penny and the little girl was itchin' To tell her mum where it was from, she ran into the kitchen. "Oh Mummy Mummy!" Mary cried, "I've earned myself some money." Her mother took time from her chores and said, "Where's that from Honey?"

Said Mary, "Well some boys from school, there wasn't very many, They asked me to climb up a tree, then paid me this here penny" "Oh Mary!" cried her mother, "Those boys are just dirty trickers, They paid you to climb up the tree to see your frilly knickers"

Young Mary was quite taken back, she hadn't seen their schemin' Her lip popped out and down her nose the tears they started streamin'. But next day, as oft' children will, she went to do her schoolin' She reckoned she would teach them boys who were upon her foolin'

She ran home from school at day’s end, from ear to ear was smilin', Another penny in her hand, her mother's nerves were trialin', "I've earned another penny Mum", cried little darling Mary, But the words her mother used you won't find in your dictionary.

"Young Mary!" screamed her mother (I'll leave out her nasty swearin') "They paid you to climb up the tree to see the pants you're wearin'" "But Mummy" said young Mary "I quite shrewdly earned my penny, You see I tricked 'em this time Mum... I wasn't wearin' any"